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VARIOUS OBSERVATIONS & RANDOM THOUGHTS HEADING INTO SEC MD15

– It is on my Bucket List to humanely eradicate our good planet of those who use the term Bucket List. With that said, the SEC media days are on mine.

– Coming off the plane with headphones on, I’m prepared to make the call that no one else’s first experience with Birmingham, Alabama was defined in any way by Stereolab.

– I was just in Las Vegas for a convention. As I was passing time between checkout and my flight, I worked in the Mandalay Bay Starbucks where I was literally two feet away from about 30 models waiting to try out for some Playboy thing at the hotel.

– On another note, coming July 28th at the Hyatt Regency Birmingham – site of the 2015 SEC Media Days –is your annual Ms. Alabama Nursing Home Pageant. I know this because the ten finalists are highlighted and featured on the hotel’s Facebook page as you connect to the Wi-Fi.

– Meanwhile, completely unrelated to the topics of men’s magazines, geriatric beauty pageants, and the improvement of in-room Internet access, this might be the last chain hotel ever that offers porn on your TV if you’re in the mood for “something different.” What happens in Hoover, Alabama …

 – Look, Alabama people, if you choose to live here, at least sell me that you like it. I’ve been here for about two hours and three of the first four people I’ve talked to made some sort of remark about how much this place sucks, there’s really nothing here, and how they hate hot weather. I’ll happily trade you my Chicago climate in about six months.

– This is all good for me. There’s a Chick-fil-A, everyone here is into college football, and that cheering you hear is coming from my knees that couldn’t be happier to be in the sauna-like conditions. This is a happy place. This is Disney World.

– I’ve been to other media days, and I generally enjoy them because they’re all about people talking college football in July – and because they’re utterly ridiculous. No one says anything that matters, and if there is something newsworthy it gets blown out of proportion to a whole other level by a bunch of silly people like me starving for something interesting.  

– This is just more about the overall event. It’s like training camp for media types to get everything flowing again. The best stuff always comes from the behind-the-scenes anecdotes. You don’t get that watching the SEC Network.

– I’m even more cranked up to blow off a day here and go to Tuscaloosa to see the University of Alabama for the first time.

– I know, I KNOW. I’m well aware of how wrong it is that I’ve been doing this college football thing for 20 years and have never been to Alabama. There’s no need for the GPS to find Bryant-Denny Stadium from here – I’ll just follow the shining light in the distance.

– In case you were wondering, ESPN has a wee bit of a presence here. Because everyone covering this event must be reminded every single solitary second that the network exists.

– As I’ve argued before, imagine if CBS owned and had a vested interest in a cable network solely devoted to televising the Hillary Clinton presidential campaign called the Hillary Network. Now, imagine if CBS also paid several billion dollars for the exclusive rights to televise the next few Democratic and Republican National Conventions as well as the 2016 Election Night coverage.

– Fortunately, unlike the BCS system/popularity contest, the current College Football Playoff system is designed so the voters aren’t going to be swayed in any way by PR. If the national champion was still voted on by the hoi polloi of writers and coaches, then there’d be a huge problem.

– I’m done now. Sorry.

– I’m just not that bright. I wasn’t really paying attention, but I just figured out what MD15 meant on the ESPN/SEC card in the room showing everyone how they can watch more ESPN/SEC if they’re too lazy to go downstairs and cover this thing themselves.

– And to remind those who pressed the button on the nuclear non-stop pay-per-view porn option to go do their jobs.

– Big Boobs At Work – an actual title of one of the offerings that “won’t appear on your bill” – and what will overrun the media workroom tomorrow.

– Thank you. I’ll be here all week.

– And yes, that mysterious charge on my hotel expense report really will be for the club sandwich, mayo on the side.

– Again, I’ve never been to SEC media days, but I’ve seen them on TV, I’ve known people who’ve covered them – termed “media days on steroids” – and I’ve been to enough others events like this to pretty much know ten things guaranteed to be a part of the fun over the next few days.

10. The players won’t say anything football-wise that matters.

Sports information directors aren’t dumb. They’ll bring the more engaging personalities, but the players are going to be mega-coached up. The words “working hard” will be used ad nauseam.

9. Steve Spurrier will poke the bear and say something that’ll make him trend
I’m demanding it. I want him to come out firing. I’m here for the show.

8. “The SEC is better than ever.”
Insert any other conference for SEC in that sentence and it’s been uttered at every preseason media session since the beginning of time. However …

7. Various references will be made to the idea of cannibalization
Everyone will say something about how hard it is to get through this league week in and week out. I’m just begging I’m in follow-up position if anyone dares to use this as an excuse for the West getting pantsed last bowl season.

6. Urban and Harbaugh denial/apologists/spin control
All of a sudden, the two best coaches in college football aren’t in the SEC.

5. Ohio State denial/apologists/spin control
All of a sudden, the best program in college football isn’t in the SEC.

4. Stars and bars
The South Carolina contingent will say all the right things. Mississippi and Mississippi State types, be ready to weigh in on your state’s flag, and be prepared with the right answer or you might be what comes out of the next four days. “I don’t pay attention to that stuff,” – the standard answer by most college athletes when it comes to any controversy – won’t cut it.

3. I will be annoyed by the attempts at quirk
To make this interesting, please, media people, go ahead and ask the offbeat, but your out-of-left-field/attempt-at-humor/gotcha question you’ve been preparing for three days sucks. I will accept Ali G-level performance art. I will openly boo anything else.

2. Les Miles will be a fantastic closing act
Either Spurrier or Miles should have the last say at SECpalooza. Just as everyone is sick and tired of all the gabbing, Miles will come up with a gem or three.

1. The Nick Saban Experience
I’ve been told there’s absolutely nothing like being at SEC media days when the Alabama coaches and players come in. I can’t wait to see the place overrun by Crimson Tide fans of all shapes and sizes. I know why they did it, but it’s a shame the Auburn media session – coming Monday afternoon – isn’t on the same day as Alabama’s – coming Wednesday – just to be able to see the fan interaction.