SEC Football Vibes: Rambling While Hobbling On Crutches

Take a look at what we’re vibing on in the SEC, including the real reason Gus Malzahn coaches in pants and the fact that Barry Odom and I are close enough in age to be best friends.

I’m physically handicapped for the next 4-6 weeks. Stepping off a porch, I missed a step and landed wrong on my left foot, fracturing my heel bone in the process. A cast was put on, and now I have to either get around on crutches, push my desk chair through the office, or count on the kindness of my co-workers to go get me a Pepsi so I can continue to thrive while working. It’s not fun. I’m slower than a Big Ten linebacker trying to pass a summer Sexual Education course right now.

The vibes have been on little things this week: someone being nice enough to open the door for me, strangers at the bar who end up wanting to sign my cast as if I am 8 years old, and some colleagues taking the time to push me out of the building the other day when the fire alarm went off. Trust me, I was not happy about the drill.

It is that time again, so grab your crutches, make sure you are properly medicated, and start cursing at all of the people with two healthy feet as we hobble into the latest version of our SEC Football Vibes.

– For those of you keeping score at home, Gus Malzahn is now 2-0 while wearing a hat. The reason for replacing the visor: his two daughters said he’s getting bald on top. Well, at least he already wears pants so I don’t have to alert him to his chicken legs.

– I was pleasantly surprised to see the USA win the Ryder Cup this past weekend. I gave them no chance considering the captain was Davis Love III, who is so tight he makes Nick Saban look like a jokester. Regardless, I’m now calling on the USGA to make Fred Couples the lifetime captain for all events. The Americans would be unbeatable.

– Waiting in line at the pharmacy to pick up my medication the other day, I was sitting down while a bunch of other people walked up to the counter and paid for whatever drugs they were taking. They each gave me a look of sympathy. I now know how Jen Bielema feels anytime Bret closes down a Golden Corral.

– Remember after the first weekend of the season how all the talk was about the SEC being down and what happened to the big, bad bully on the street? Yeah, that has died down quite a bit. Sure, it is something to be discussed, but until another conference wins eight championships by four different teams in a ten-year time span, please keep it quiet.

– Twenty years from now, I will be able to say that I saw Les Miles’ last game as the head coach of LSU in person. I will sit my friends’ grandchildren down on my lap, take a sip of bourbon, and recount the legend of the Mad Hatter. I already miss Miles during the weekly teleconference. I feel as if someone close to me has died. It didn’t have to end that way. Come back to me, Les. COME BACK!

– The fact that Will Muschamp and Kirby Smart once lived together totally makes sense to me and, at the same time, blows my mind. Idea: all 14 SEC coaches have to live in a house together for one month. There are seven different bedrooms, and each coach has to figure out who he wants his partner to be when it comes to a competition round that will consist of the following:

  • Luring a brand new recruit to pick their room to stay in for a week. This will consist of only using their personalities to bond with the recruit.
  • Drinking game where each coach must take a swig when watching one of their own press conference and they used a cliché. Last one to pass out wins.
  • Swimsuit competition at the local beach. Judges will determine the best by build, tan, height/weight proportion, and grooming.
  • A lightning round where each has to name the other head coaches from their respective schools. This will be the most interesting.

– It is about that time of year when Kentucky fans starting showing up to Commonwealth Stadium after being at Keeneland all day boozing while betting on the horses. I’m not going to lie: it is one of the best days you could spend in the SEC. Well, except for having to watch Kentucky play football, but after all that drinking, maybe even that would be entertaining.

– Tim Tebow is releasing a box set of … well, I don’t know what it consists of, but once again it goes to show you that this whole playing baseball thing is definitely not a publicity stunt. I’m just assuming this is what is included in the box:

  • A copy of the Holy Bible signed by Billy Graham
  • A wall hanging of his famous speech
  • A self-circumcision kit
  • Urban Meyer’s old Ambien
  • Dirt from the foot of Mount Sinai
  • His virginity ring from high school
  • A Jesus fish
  • The Holy Gr……

– This will probably make sense to no one other than me, but the way Butch Jones says “thank you” annoys the hell out of me. Is that strange? Can someone please back me up on this? No? Come on!

– It still bothers me that Barry Odom is just four years older than me, but I also think that we would have been close friends had we gone to school together. I would have called him “Bo” or “B-O” or “Odie” and we would have called our parents and tell them that we were staying at the other’s house while we really went to that one bar because that one girl that he had an eye on (her name would be Katrina) said it was the hippest bar in town and then I, the inexperienced drinker, would get too drunk and throw up on Katrina and ruin his chances with her but he forgives me because no one could break our bond and we end up going back to his house to play NCAA Football and I notice that he is a really good play caller and encourage him to go into coaching and when, ten years from now he leads Missouri to a SEC title, he tells Brad Nessler that he has only one person to thank and that is me and I’m sitting at home watching old episodes of Law & Order and miss the entire thing and he calls me and I let it go to voicemail because Jack McCoy is about to question a defendant about that night on the Lower East Side when the murder happened. So yeah, I think The Odomman and I would be best friends.

MORE: 1-128 College Football Rankings – Week 6