SEC Football Vibes: Transcript Of Secret Meeting Of The Head Coaches

Take a look at what we’re vibing on in the SEC, as we look at a transcript of a recent secret meeting that involved all 14 head football coaches.

It’s not often that all of the SEC head football coaches are in the same room. It might happen once a year, when a group picture is taken and the men exchange pleasantries by asking how each other’s families are doing. I’ve always guessed it was an awkward mix of personalities, with buttoned-down Nick Saban trying to find something in common with Ed Orgeron, and Jim McElwain trying his best to be the life of the party.

Luckily for all of us, I was present at a recent postseason get together, as the coaches met for a secret tribal council. They discussed, among other things, what went right and wrong this past season, debated improvements needed going further, and yes, even dished a little trash talk. Below is what transpired in the latest edition of SEC Football Vibes.

Nick Saban: (entering room) “What’s up, men?”

Gus Malzahn: “Hey Nick, that last second caught up with you again, eh?”

Saban: (mumbling under breath) “You are such a fraud.”

Malzahn: “Excuse me?”

Saban: “I said how is Kristi?”

Bret Bielema: “Speaking of wives, my Jen still looks gorgeous as always even while pregnant. She’s glowing.”

Ed Orgeron: (growling) “Yeeeh, how’d cha git that lady, BB?”

Bielema: “Pure charm.”

Dan Mullen: “Well, it definitely isn’t your SEC winning percentage.”

Bielema: “Do you have a problem with me, Mr. Mid-Life Crisis?”

Mullen: (taking earphones out) “At least people respect me.”

Hugh Freeze: (sarcastically) “Sure they do, Yeezy. You’re hip, with it, down with the cool kids.”

Mullen: (putting earphones back in) “Whatever.” (starts rapping Kanye) I feel the pressure, under more scrutiny. And what I do, act more stupidly …

Freeze: “Has everyone been to church lately? We had this wonderful sermon on Sunday about putting mistakes in the past, but never admitting that you were totally at fault. It felt like the preacher was speaking directly at me.”

Orgeron: “As dey say in bayou, ‘A critter will jump off his ass when a good ol’ boy shoots him in the face.’”

Freeze: “What?”

Orgeron: (becomes distracted by how a folding chair is put together)

Saban: “Where’s Kirby and Will? I thought they’d be here by now.”

Kevin Sumlin: “Last I saw, they were at Hooters having a hot wing competition.”

Jim McElwain: “Isn’t that cool, man? Just two bros hanging out, eating some wings, having some brews. That’s what life is all about, man. Just cool.”

Saban: “Jim, I thought we had that talk about the wacky tobacky?”

McElwain: “Two trips to Atlanta, man. Just winning the East. Free trips to the Clermont Lounge. Fun, man.”

Kirby Smart: (entering with Will Muschamp) “Sorry we’re late. Will punched a street sign again.”

Will Muschamp: “Stupid $&*%^#@ sign telling ME to yield. ME TO YIELD? WHO DOES THAT SIGN THINK HE IS?!”

Butch Jones: “I guess you could call Will the champion of street signs, amirite? Right? Come on guys, I was making a joke.”

Saban: (mumbling once again) “Your team is a joke.”

Jones: “I’m sorry, I didn’t get that. But yeah, we are just trying to go 1-0 this week. Taking it one game at a time.”

Malzahn: “You do know it is the offseason, correct?”

Jones: “In my mind, there is no offseason. Every day is an opportunity to prepare these young men for the world after football. In the end, wins and losses don’t matter. It is their personal growth that counts.”

Orgeron: “A raccoon is only as good as its mama and pawpaw.”

Derek Mason: “That makes no sense.”

Orgeron: “Neither do the ‘Dores being in the Ess-Eee-Cee.”

Mark Stoops: “Come on, fellas. We’re not here to fight. How about some Pappy Van Winkle to take the edge off? Sounds good, right?”

Orgeron: “I’ma stickin with the hooch, if you don’t mind.”

Jones: “Oh, the chip dip I brought will go well for a light snack as well.”

Saban: “Can we just get to business? I have more important things to do.”

Bielema: “Meeting with President Trump to celebra…ohhhh, that’s right, you lost.” (slaps Saban on the back)

Saban: “You will pay for this.”

Freeze: “Can we please say a prayer to our Lord and savior Jesus Christ before we take part in these libations?”

Saban: (rolling eyes) “Sure, but silently.”

Orgeron: “Those that don’t have the Lord are like a shrimper with no bucket.”

Freeze: “Amen to that.”

(door flies open)

Barry Odom: “Hey everyone!”

Saban: “Finally, the valet is here.”

Odom: “No, I’m the coach…”

Saban: “Can you get the light blue Mercedes out there, please?” (tosses keys)

Odom: “No, Nick, I’m a head coach like…”

Saban: “Make it quick.”

Odom: (sighing) “Yes, Mr. Saban.”


MORE: 10 SEC Football Games To Look Forward To In 2017